I wish I had a reason to be home right now. Also, I'm just miserable. If you're reading this, I probably would appreciate a call or something, even if I don't seem like I'm enthusiastic. I guess I just wanna feel like I matter.

Cleaning up

Today, in a rather subdued conversation with Matt, shortly after he had told me about the progress that he has been making with our final project for Microcomputers 2, I mentioned that rule 2 of today's party (Do not throw up) was enacted thanks to Max's activity in the last party that my house hosted. He then went on to say how he knew, because HE was the one to clean it up.

EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME!!!!

I cleaned it up you inconsiderate, incompetent son of a bitch. It took me a little over an hour, but I got the goddamned job done, all the while my girlfriend's ex and my ex-friend seemingly judging me for the accident that wasn't even my fault. Also, I cleaned it better than that restroom had been in a long time. Fuck me.

This time, things were much better. CC had a good time, even after she had a little bit of an intake problem. I'm glad about that.

My all day fatigue and head-ache continue. I woke up at 9am, it is now 2am, and I have had this bursting headache for as much of this day as I can remember. I don't know what I should do, since lying down seems to really give it a sharp edge.

Right now, I don't know where everyone is, CC most of all. It seemed as if the party downstairs was winding down, but I haven't seen her since about an hour ago.

Hi Christina

I love you.

Miserable

To want something and not being able to have it is excruciating.

Been awhile

Hello world, it has certainly been a while since I've posted here. Yesterday was quite a rough day.

I woke up next to my one and only. That was the best part of my day. :)

When I got to the work site, my body started not liking the heat very much. It was quite unbearable. 90 degrees never felt so warm. I had to leave the site early because my body could not handle it.

When I got home, it was time to clean out the car. Fortunately, aside from the usual nagging I get from mom to keep my car clean, it went very well.

The trouble came when I was finally upstairs in my room, preparing for bed, that my mom walks in and asks me about my plans today. She had cleaned everything over the weekend, including my bedroom. I tell her what my plans were for today, and as I am doing so, she scoffs at the fact that I have already place some tissue paper down after I had used them. I quickly get up to throw them away in the bathroom, so quickly that I hit a cardboard box and it goes flying.

I walk back to my bedroom and my mom tells me that the air conditioning is on, so I don't need to have the window open. I say ok, and clarify that I only kept it open cause I could not feel it. All this time, I had been sniffling and generally fatigued. I am probably coming down with a cold.

She goes to leave my room, but as she gets out of the doorway, she calls me an "asshole" and a "jerk" in the elevated voice that she only gets when she is scolding me.

Yes, my mom did yell at me yesterday. Yes, I did cry. Yes, I am sick and still not in control of my runny nose. It was quite an exhausting day...

credibility?

Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" has been made into a film and will be released in two days. I have heard of the novel and I have been contemplating reading it, but due to my time with it in Senior Seminar and other research, I am hesitant. I have extensively researched the ethical concept/philosophy (a misnomer I may get into later) of "Objectivism" and I do not know if I like how the zeitgeist recognizes it. I won't define Objectivism, but if you would want one, just go google it. With the way that Rand uses it, Objectivism is "the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity and reason as his only absolute." While I can how it relates to something that I hold to be true (I would dub it self-altruism, for comedic effect), it's candidness can be confused by it's believers. Many believe it to be or use it in a way to self-motivate themselves to greatness, to the point of guilt and despair when they do not achieve that goal. In Objectivism, a person must to do those things that make them the most "happy" (rational self-interest, you know). As Rand said, "man as a heroic being". While it does not explicitly promote extraneous selfishness, the sense of entitlement and "holier-than-thou" effect are palpable. My biggest complaint against Objectivism is that it would call any action that doesn't work toward self-interest a waste. I find this highly hypocritical. There are many facets to my disagreement, so many in fact that I am having a hard time defining them right now. One thing I can say is that if this were the case, then a true Objectivist parent would let their kids stay up all night, eat all the candy, and run away whenever they wanted. Our society has put in place barriers and limits that should be upheld in order to embrace our growth and sustain us. Without those barriers, a person would be a cesspool of moral destructiveness. Believe me, I kinda was one :) In reluctant conclusion (I have to get back to work), check out Neitzsche's Ubermensch/Also Sprach Zarathustra. I believe it much more effectively does what Objectivism is trying to convey and doesn't come off with implications or condonement of immoral-morality.

I feel useless and dead

Almost 6 years ago, I felt like this. As if the way that things all blended together in life back then are once again doing the same now. This weekends plans were going to be great and a nice relaxing time, but now, I am fried. I feel as if I have run out of the drive that makes a person want to wake up in the morning. I feel like I had when meg broke up with me. I feel like I did in high school when masochism was the only thing to do over summer vacation. I had a dream where I had cut deeper than I had ever cut before.

Good morning.

Seriously, what the fuck

I've been seeing all of these strange things happening all around me

Have you ever had the feeling that there are things in your life just out to get you. Almost a sense of paranoia, but in this case, founded. Things like "if all goes well" as if it won't, like in the movies. Also, I can't get my mind of off some very disturbing imagery (you know, my girlfriend being "with" other people) and I can't create images to replace them, thanks to our mortal states.

Weird wordings and ambiguous meanings really make me have bad days. Why is it that my girlfriend has to be so cryptic sometimes.

Anyway, I got done with one of my 3 interviews this week. Very nice!

Also, studied up for fields and I am thinking I'm ready. I don't even need to get a good grade on it. My lowest test gets dropped, and I have over 85%'s on my other tests, so all's great.

I haven't studied for my phys 2 test tomorrow, which most certainly needs to be done. I do not want a stinkin' 80 or lower. That would not be winning.

I'm feeling better now. I love you baby!

Same song

मुझे मार डालो

I can't remember feeling alive

Movies that are out:

Rango

Hall Pass

Unknown

Beastly

Drive Angry

Christopher Eccleston is scary

Dr . . . What!?!

(sorry for the stream of thought style of this posting, it seams fitting and keeps me on my toes for Kaiser's class!)

Dude, if you make Billy Piper's dad live, the people will start dramatically dropping the things they are holding. Also, why don't people instinctively know what when girlfriend and boyfriend are watching shows in "their" room, that it is inappropriate to walk in and chill out, playing on their phone. Say La Vee.

Ok, the saga continues...

I found a winery here in flint called Swak Incorporated. I haven't visited it yet, but it might be cool.

Next time on Joe Ball Z, bitches are not shit and acquiring money is one's only goal in life.

Time is a very interesting thing. It makes dragons that murder peoples faces off.

Overall, a pretty good day.

What an interesting post-birthday it has been (2 hours past it, at this point in time). Woke up next to the most beautiful girl in the world, had a great lunch presented by Mom. Then, things went a little haywire. I packed for about 4 straight hours, taking only 5 minute breaks every so-often. After 3 hours passed, my mom decided she wanted to help. I told her everything was ok and that I could handle it myself, stressing that if I pack my own things, then I will remember what I need and what I want to take instead of bringing things that won't even escape the paper bags they came in. We had our quarrel and I left home, Dolores (my relatively new 2011 Malibu) packed to the tee. Left at 4:30. Arrived at 5:30. Unpacked, arranged, re-arranged, renovated, and screwed holes. This process was over at 10:30, when I finally sat down and played a rousing round of LoL and watched an episode of "Firefly", then "Book of Eli".

For my first day in a long time of being alone, I've had a very productive day. Usually, I have the benefit of at least 2 cars moving items and amenities between Rochester and Flint. This time, it was simply me and Dolores. I still have a little bit of things left to bring over. I think I may have to leave my PS3 at home this term. There is much too little space here in this bedroom, and I wouldn't want to add another piece of consumer electronics to it. Speaking of which, CES started today and it has been much more diverse than I was expecting. I love seeing all of the new things coming out that I may never have a chance of getting. Plus, volunteering to get tased and receiving a shirt and commemorative coin is sweet!

Book of Eli is much more well done than I was expecting. Obviously (or not so much), it has many religious connotations, both implicit and explicit. It has a unique and refreshing style. It has action, suspense, and a deep message. Finally, it has Denzel Washington. That is all.

Hooking up the internet here has been hell! I'm using my 17inch laptop as an ad-hoc access point, because the only wireless this house has at the moment is a netgear router that the previous residents left behind. Too bad it is password protected. Now, my internet is actually quite good compared to what I had during work term. :)

I love blatant product placement.

I'm feeling very awkward about how to spell awkward...

So, after a long weekend, I am back in Allegan sitting and typing this document. I am simply here. Gilman, Stella and I have all talked about our new years resolutions. Their's is much more thought about than mine, as I'm not sure if I have made a new years resolution (I apologize for the probably-missing apostrophes, I am currently without my editor). Thanks to some mistakes and regrets, I am remembering my past and how alone one can be, even when they are with someone else.

The new year started only 2 days ago, yet I feel as if nothing has changed. I don't feel happier than I did, nor do I feel sadder. In fact, I feel as if I am stuck in 2010, as it were. Lamentable.

Stella is looking at me with seemingly-human eyes. Almost child-like in fact. She paws and nips at me as I sit at the dinner table while I write this piece. She reminds me of Wolfgang, not with her activeness, but with the way that she seeks my attention. I do miss him. I believe the time of his death is when I realized how cruel a person can be.

Meghan was very kind to me. She would give me what I wanted, when I wanted it, and simply do it without question. I tried my best to keep up with her attention, but I don't feel that I was enough for her. I did not pursue when I needed to pursue, and I did not retreat when I needed to retreat. Because of the guilt of not being good enough, I regressed into being as shy as I was when I was younger around others, a quality which she had. Even now, I feel unable to get around that ineptitude. The day of Wolfie's death, I tried to contact anyone that I had the courage to contact. This was a very short list: Eric, Peggy, and Meghan. Eric is a friend whom I have challenged time and time again, even betraying another friend of ours, and still he stands by my side. Peggy cared about me like a child cares about a plaything, seemingly trying to help, but not getting involved when the situation gets tough. Meghan conducted herself, excuse me for the language, like an uncaring, self-centered, inappropriate bitch. Each of these people, I did what I could do at my mental state at the time (texted) and I told them about what had happened and if there was any time that they could spare to hang out with me. Meghan was the only one that refused to see me. I don't simply mean that she did not have time, but that I explained how broken I was and that I just need someone, anyone to talk to about the death of who was essentially my brother. She wouldn't even say that she was sorry to hear that he had died. The pet that was my loyal friend for all of his life and one that she even had a part in raising for the past 4 years, and she wouldn't share her condolences.

Am I selfish for wishing that my girlfriends' blog would mention me more often? Maybe I'm just being ornery (if that is even the correct word for what I'm NOT trying to be).

Ok. I'm set now. Hm... onto cleaning, I guess. :/

Giving away laptops is a BAD idea!

Ok, so...

I apologize to all the grammar nazi's who are sure to read this, I do not claim to be good at it, but please consider that I am just trying to express/alleviate myself, so be kind :)

At work, we were informed about a week ago (out of the blue) that we were going to be raffling off the old laptops that we used to have at an all-employee meeting (Dell Latitude D600/D610's, real stinkers). Bullshit aside, we finally got around to today and 50 laptops were raffled off. We did our parts in preparing them, stating from the beginning that we were just going to be giving them away, no support, you-get-what-you get. Now, an HR person (who will remain unnamed) just told Kevin (and Kevin alone) that Joe, my boss, will be taking care of this and that he would have to send out an email to all of the Troy facility. I wasn't very happy about her obvious show of disrespect for us. I am also unhappy about how most people here do not know how to follow directions regarding the "You get what you get" and "No support" policies we all agreed upon.

Oh well. I have had some time to cool down at this point and I have been talking out my frustrations with many people. Aside from this, work has been going well. I've had pleasant conversations with my manager and got some good food in my stomach. I'm probably going to be packing up some more later tonight, setting up my laptop next to all of my bags and boxes and sorting through what I will actually need to bring with me when school starts (less than a month away!).



Something that suprises me is how much I have enjoyed re-watching Dollhouse. I tend to be a little more critical regarding Joss Whedon's work, as his earlier career was comprised of relatively one-dimensional space sci-fi romps. Dollhouse seems to transcend that classification, being more about the moral implications and tribulations of it's characters (most of whom are, essentially, programmable people) rather than shooting stuff and wearing jumpsuits (though those are present, as well).

Another cool thing is that my final week at Behr Automotive is nearly here. I am now on my 5th to last day, and things are proceeding along nicely. Work flow is fair, nothing too strenuous (aside from what I mentioned earlier), but there are certainly things to do.

I have discovered something cool with my Droid X. I can send print jobs to mainstream retailers straight from my phone (by simply selecting the picture I want printed, pressing options>print, then selecting the store and size I want printed). The charges would go to my selected means, either the phone bill or my bank/credit account. I assume I would then go to the store and prove the validity of my claim, then receive the pictures. This will make it so much easier to get good pictures and have them developed.

Weekending

Oh wow.

Moved my PS3 setup downstairs. Things were alot easier than I thought they would be. I guess I just took my time and organized things well. Also, netflix is now working with my ps3, and it is awesome. I literally find a movie/show I wanna watch, press play and it only buffers for about a second and I am instantly watching my show. Very cool. Also, my NAS is up and running and ready to stream via upnp and dlna.

I think I will talk to Joe and Muhammed about doing pizza tomorrow. It feels like it has been a while since we've had a joint lunch.

Ok, so this weekend will be hectic. Tomorrow, I will be going to work, leaving work, and going to dinner with CC. After that, we will go to her fathers house for sleeping/hanging out with her family. Thursday, we do our own thing for the Thanksgiving holiday, then she comes over to sleep (maybe, I'm still not clear). Friday, we shop. Yes, black friday. After that, I do not know. Things are going to be very cool this weekend, but suck at the same time. Anyway, happy Wednesday now. Midnight rolled around very fast.

I wish I were better at understanding things.

Prelude to Christmas: bring it on!

The only bad thing...

The only bad thing...

- about being a fan of a band that is no longer together is that you can't see them in concert
- about having close friends is that you have to sacrifice so much of yourself in order to keep them
- about using technology is that you get worse at doing things for yourself
- about someone you care about dying is that you can never see them again
- about money is that your always working for it, yet it never works for you
- about using a credit/debit card is that you don't see the money leave your possession
- about loving someone is that it hurts so much when they are gone
- about being a good listener is that you have to let go of having your own things to say

- is that I can't seem to get things to work

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Anyway, this is my keyboard:
1234567890-=
qwertyuiop[]\
asdfghjkl;'
zxcvbnm,./

Simply having a wonderful Christmas Time!

Had a grand weekend. Left work on Friday earlier than I usually do (3:30pm) and was careening my way to Buffalo Wild Wings in Kalamazoo to see CC. She, as always, was as I had remembered her. Beautiful, smiling, able to fill me with happiness. We had a very wonderful time all weekend.

On Saturday, we went to see Legend of the Guardians (OWL CITY!!!). It was pretty good, but reminded me of how different movies are for this generation of kids than how it was for us. Clyde and Isabelle were very well behaved. I've only been around them for about 4 hours thus far, but they have become precious to me. Thanks CC, for introducing them to me.
Played San Juan again. It has been so long since I have played that game. Very cool. Also, had my first experience playing a game with CC, I hope in the future she and I will play more games together.

Dinner was to die for.

Sunday was bitter sweet. We enjoyed waking up next to each other once again, but regretted the fact that this would be the last time this week. Fortunately, we had hope, as we started planning for next weekend, and decided that we would do extra time in the week so that we could get out early (or not come in at all) on Friday, so that we could see each other sooner.

Next weekend is going to be kinda hellish for us. We have so many variables to work with. We have to figure out how we are getting to CMU, where we are sleeping, what are we doing on Saturday, and so on and so forth. Makes me wanna sleep. Zzz Zzz

Speaking of busy as hell, work started out like your average day. The weekend had given me a great amount of rest, so I came in with enthusiasm and charisma, but soon, the DHCP server had to be restarted, and all the test machines (36 of them) had the same .dll error, and someone couldn't get connected to the network, and someone's computer wouldn't start up, and emails to read and etc. Now, things have calmed down, but I feel like I have been spent.

I miss you, CC. I can't wait to see you again. I love you <3

You don't have to come and confess

We gon' find you.
We gon' find you.

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