I'm feeling very awkward about how to spell awkward...

So, after a long weekend, I am back in Allegan sitting and typing this document. I am simply here. Gilman, Stella and I have all talked about our new years resolutions. Their's is much more thought about than mine, as I'm not sure if I have made a new years resolution (I apologize for the probably-missing apostrophes, I am currently without my editor). Thanks to some mistakes and regrets, I am remembering my past and how alone one can be, even when they are with someone else.

The new year started only 2 days ago, yet I feel as if nothing has changed. I don't feel happier than I did, nor do I feel sadder. In fact, I feel as if I am stuck in 2010, as it were. Lamentable.

Stella is looking at me with seemingly-human eyes. Almost child-like in fact. She paws and nips at me as I sit at the dinner table while I write this piece. She reminds me of Wolfgang, not with her activeness, but with the way that she seeks my attention. I do miss him. I believe the time of his death is when I realized how cruel a person can be.

Meghan was very kind to me. She would give me what I wanted, when I wanted it, and simply do it without question. I tried my best to keep up with her attention, but I don't feel that I was enough for her. I did not pursue when I needed to pursue, and I did not retreat when I needed to retreat. Because of the guilt of not being good enough, I regressed into being as shy as I was when I was younger around others, a quality which she had. Even now, I feel unable to get around that ineptitude. The day of Wolfie's death, I tried to contact anyone that I had the courage to contact. This was a very short list: Eric, Peggy, and Meghan. Eric is a friend whom I have challenged time and time again, even betraying another friend of ours, and still he stands by my side. Peggy cared about me like a child cares about a plaything, seemingly trying to help, but not getting involved when the situation gets tough. Meghan conducted herself, excuse me for the language, like an uncaring, self-centered, inappropriate bitch. Each of these people, I did what I could do at my mental state at the time (texted) and I told them about what had happened and if there was any time that they could spare to hang out with me. Meghan was the only one that refused to see me. I don't simply mean that she did not have time, but that I explained how broken I was and that I just need someone, anyone to talk to about the death of who was essentially my brother. She wouldn't even say that she was sorry to hear that he had died. The pet that was my loyal friend for all of his life and one that she even had a part in raising for the past 4 years, and she wouldn't share her condolences.

Am I selfish for wishing that my girlfriends' blog would mention me more often? Maybe I'm just being ornery (if that is even the correct word for what I'm NOT trying to be).

Ok. I'm set now. Hm... onto cleaning, I guess. :/